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| I can't write about this anywhere else, so I'm going to write about it here.
There's this person that I'm crushing on majorly, and I can't say his name. But he goes to my church, and who knows? He's really awesome and called me "Suzanne" today. I wanted to love him for it.
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| So to follow up my last post. I just enjoyed a wonderful afternoon out with my good friend Penny Thornton. Her joy and love for life is so amazing. I absolutely LOVE hanging out with her. We went and saw the movie "Facing the Giants" and, of course, we sang along with the soundtrack. (Such a great movie, btw, everyone should go see it.) It was nice to hang out with her. I hadn't seen her since the 4th of July. Last night, a bunch of us went out to the movies also for Patrick's birthday. Good times, minus the guy who wanted to kill us all because we were laughing at the movie and his girlfriend/wife escorting him out, saying, "Calm down, Jimmy, just Calm Down." Of course "Jimmy" started calling us names and telling us to "Shut the F Up" and waggling his finger madly in our direction. Actually, that could qualify as being the highlight of the night, so here-here, I'll drink to that! I'm at my parents' house right now, chilling out, veggin, you know. Getting my few hours of vacation in. It's nice. It's enjoyable, really. It is. I miss my family a lot. Sometimes I feel like it's my fault I don't see them much, but I know it's just because I work a lot. I guess I get jealous of my sisters because they get to see my parents all the time and I don't, but that isn't my fault either. They live here; I don't. So I guess it just boils down to this: homesickness! I'm trying to decided if I want to start dating again or not. I don't want to pick just anyone, you know? I want it to be special, and I for sure don't want to get my heart broken or break anyone's again. So....what should I do? And with that, I'm out like a flame in a high wind. Keep your pants pulled up because no one wants to see your crack. --Suzy | | |
| I let you in farther than I'd let anyone before
Now we're done, it seems you're gone
Amd here's that feeling I abhor It's like the world's ending
And I'm the last to know
We had the stars spinning
But the sun had let us I grasp for a word to say if I see you
But all that's left, is brokenness
And she won't let me near you It's like the world's ending
and I'm the last to know
We had the stars spinning
But the sun had let us go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm writing this with the obvious motivation that he will find this and read it. I'm also believing that I won't know when that will be because he won't comment. And it's ok. I left the scrapbook on the swingset, along with my broken heart. I stopped going home because it opens old wounds. This is me, not letting go, but pretending I am. This is me, not letting go, in hopes he will return. This is me, not surrending, not going down, not losing. This is me, the part that you will never see except on this paper. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ and THAT my friends, is PURE EMO. And I'm usually not like that. | | |
| Ok, so just to be completely honest... Wow, can I really do that? Can I open myself up that much to risk being hurt or judged or....maybe worse of all....EXPOSED???? I'm jealous of someone. Extremely jealous. To the point of that I can't even be around them anymore. This is hard. Something I feel terrible for. I've never felt like this before..... She's dating my ex's best friend. Everytime I'm around her, she's talking about him. Hanging out with him. His friends. He comes over to MY PARENT'S HOUSE. He talks to them. I'm not jealous. I'm just........hurt by him and I want to forget him and I can't because he's always hanging out with my sister and she reminds me of him and I can't even talk to MY OWN SISTER anymore because HE always comes up. He loves her more than me. My own love, the one I wanted to be with forever, loves my own sister more than me. Now THAT is something HARD to accept. Probably even harder than him leaving me. I'm so sorry for blogging about this all the time. I'm starting to wonder if it's even a minor problem like most people say it is, and if I'll ever get over it. How can love be so....CONDITIONAL? | | |
| I had another dream about him last night. I dreamed he lived in the same apartment complex as me with his new girlfriend. She took good care of him. He had forgotten all about me. He started yelling at me and cussing at me. Then, he pulled out his guitar and played a song. He doesn't know how to play the guitar. I dreamed that I drove through his home-town and it was gray and dreary, like it was about to rain. I thought, "When we walked these streets, the sun shone down on us." Why is it so hard for me to let him go? I just want to be with him again. I just want everything to be the way it was before.....before he changed. | | |
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